Is anybody listening?

Is anybody listening?

Today I want to talk about listening. We made reference to listening in some of the previous blogs: I am your client (18 July) and Building Rapport (9 August). But that is not the only reason I want to talk about listening. Indulge me but I want to share two personal anecdotes that show how listening (or the lack thereof) has influenced my life in the last week.

In the first instance I want to share a frustration: In recent times I have felt that no one is listening to me. As an example – I attended a meeting last Thursday and at one point I was in mid sentence when a colleague abruptly interrupted and talked over me. The same person interrupted me in the same way no fewer than four times in the space of one afternoon. I was so angry that my hands were actually shaking. I felt ignored, alienated, frustrated, de-motivated and childishly petulant.

A day later I attended a meeting with a financial planner who had recently attended Bill Bachrach’s course on values-based financial planning. During the meeting he demonstrated the process with me by asking questions and giving me space to talk without interrupting me. After I finished talking he succinctly summarised what I had said and asked me a further insightful question. This process continued for most of an hour and I was left feeling that he really heard me and understood me in a way I had rarely felt before. I felt validated, energised, and inspired.

Listening may seem like a small thing to us, but it makes a big difference. In the space of two days I had widely differing emotional responses to how people listened or failed to listen to me. In general terms we listen to gather information, to understand issues, to solve problems and to learn. We also listen to lubricate relationships: Listening builds rapport, shows interest, and facilitates insight. Despite the benefits most of us are not good at listening. Depending on the study being quoted, we remember between 25% and 50% of what we hear. That means that when you talk to your boss, colleagues, customers or spouse for 10 minutes, they pay attention to less than half of the conversation. The flip side of this issue is that when you are on the receiving end you are more than likely not hearing the whole message either.

Have you experienced that what someone says to you and what you hear are amazingly different? By becoming better listeners we improve the chances of avoiding conflict and misunderstandings. What’s more we improve your ability to influence, persuade and negotiate. It takes a lot of concentration and determination to be an active listener but here are some tips for being a good listener.

1        Pay attention

Give your full attention on the person who is speaking and avoid letting your mind wander. Concentrate on what the speaker is saying. Look at the speaker directly and keep up eye contact. Avoid being distracted by whatever else is going on around you, or by distracting thoughts or by formulating your response. Refrain from side conversations when listening in a group setting.

2        Keep quiet

It is extremely difficult to receive information when your mouth is moving information out at the same time. Ensure that the other person speaks more than you do – and listen to them. Overall, attempt to listen 75% of time – speak 25% of time. A good listener will stop talking and use receptive language instead.

3        Show that you are listening

Look at the other person. Lean toward the speaker, nod occasionally, smile and use other facial expressions. Use body language and other signs to acknowledge you are listening. Your face should display a range of emotions to show that you are following what the speaker has to say. Remember, you listen with your face as well as your ears.

4        Listen for the central idea

Listen for the central ideas, not for all the facts. The main ideas are the most important points the speaker wants to get across. They may be mentioned at the start or end of a talk, and repeated several times. Pay special attention to statements that begin with phrases such as “My point is…” or “The thing to remember is…” Once you hear the main themes and ideas from then often the facts follow.

5        Ask questions

Ask questions to clarify certain points. Summarize the speaker’s comments periodically. Instead of giving your opinion on the information being presented ask questions to gather more information and to clarify points you are unclear on. Questions also show the speaker that you are interested. Powerful questions help you to understand yours and other’s perceptions and assumptions.

6        Test understanding

As a listener, your role is to understand what is being said. This may need you to reflect what is being said and ask questions. Reflect what was said by summarising or paraphrasing what the speaker said.

7        Defer judgment

Allow the speaker to finish before you begin to speak. Don’t interrupt the speaker: It wastes time, frustrates the speaker and limits full understanding of the message. Do not think about what to say while you are also trying to listen to the speaker. You can’t really listen if you are busy thinking about what you want to say next. Trust that you will know how to respond to the speaker when the speaker is done. If you do have to interrupt, do so to make sure you are hearing the other person and only by requesting permission to do so tactfully and politely.

8        Listen to the unsaid

A good listener knows that being attentive to what the speaker doesn’t say is as important as being attentive to what he does say. Look for non-verbal cues such as facial expressions and posture to get the full gist of what the speaker is telling you.

Concluding Comments

As my anecdote at the start of this blog illustrates, not listening can leave your prospect or client feeling ignored, angry, and low in energy whilst the simple act of listening carefully can leave the same person feeling positive and energised. What kind of impact do you want to have on your prospects, clients, and colleagues?